Sunday, 28 September 2008
Why can't I be happy for people?
I believe this blog is for exorcising my thoughts whether positive or negative and the main reason for it, is to act as a diary. Of course there is an exhibitionist tendency to it but it's mainly for me.
Recently I have started seeing someone. I don't really know what the situation is between us. I know I get excited, or rather I used to get excited, when I thought about him. I still do get excited when I hear from him but I have also come to think that it is not meant to be. Mainly because I find it is me who does most of the texting, it is me who shows their affection more and then there's the fact that he often talks about having sex with other people. I don't think it's been going on since we've been seeing each other so part of me thinks it's OK but surely if you were even HALF-arsed about someone, you wouldn't start checking guys out, saying they're hot and then talking about how much sex you've had. Is that not a conversation for later on?
Right now, it ain't all roses. There have been things which are really cute. We met for my birthday on Wednesday and he made me a CD, even printing off the cover at work. There is the cute message he wrote inside. When I mentioned a drag act that I had seen, he suggested we went and he also turned up to my party on Friday (but then left without saying goodbye). After I spent the night at his, he said, 'Come meet the family' and showed me his photos.
I can't decide whether it is more fun having this see-saw kind of lifestyle or if it is easier just having nothing. What I find even harder is talking to people about it. I got excited about it at the beginning. It was going well, he seemed really into me (and still does, at times) so I told everyone. But now when people ask I have to answer, 'I haven't heard from him.'
It's almost like that feeling of when you come out, you have to do it over and over and over again. Except here I have to tell them over and over again that I've not heard from him. In the grand scheme of things this really is not a big deal but at the same time, it hurts and the re-telling only re-emphasises it.
This is painful enough, as I have never been in this situation, but then when two of your friends enter new relationships, where everything is 100% perfect, it makes it even harder. They talk about how everything is going so well and I am left thinking, 'Hmmm, well, I guess not talking for three days isn't so bad.'
I know that makes me sound nasty, jealous, spoilt, cunty and just generally wrong in the head, but like I said it's how I feel and I hope that in writing this, people might just go, 'You know, that's OK, that's vaguely understandable.' Maybe they won't and maybe I AM all those things. I'd like to think not though...
Anyway I am really happy for my freinds and really do wish nothing but the best for them but I have found myself not asking as many questions about how it's going as hearing the answers makes me sad. It's really shit as I am 100% happy for them I just wish I was completely single or completely loved up too as I would be able to be excited for them and not just left comparing my own situation.
That sounded really self-obsessed...
Recently I have started seeing someone. I don't really know what the situation is between us. I know I get excited, or rather I used to get excited, when I thought about him. I still do get excited when I hear from him but I have also come to think that it is not meant to be. Mainly because I find it is me who does most of the texting, it is me who shows their affection more and then there's the fact that he often talks about having sex with other people. I don't think it's been going on since we've been seeing each other so part of me thinks it's OK but surely if you were even HALF-arsed about someone, you wouldn't start checking guys out, saying they're hot and then talking about how much sex you've had. Is that not a conversation for later on?
Right now, it ain't all roses. There have been things which are really cute. We met for my birthday on Wednesday and he made me a CD, even printing off the cover at work. There is the cute message he wrote inside. When I mentioned a drag act that I had seen, he suggested we went and he also turned up to my party on Friday (but then left without saying goodbye). After I spent the night at his, he said, 'Come meet the family' and showed me his photos.
I can't decide whether it is more fun having this see-saw kind of lifestyle or if it is easier just having nothing. What I find even harder is talking to people about it. I got excited about it at the beginning. It was going well, he seemed really into me (and still does, at times) so I told everyone. But now when people ask I have to answer, 'I haven't heard from him.'
It's almost like that feeling of when you come out, you have to do it over and over and over again. Except here I have to tell them over and over again that I've not heard from him. In the grand scheme of things this really is not a big deal but at the same time, it hurts and the re-telling only re-emphasises it.
This is painful enough, as I have never been in this situation, but then when two of your friends enter new relationships, where everything is 100% perfect, it makes it even harder. They talk about how everything is going so well and I am left thinking, 'Hmmm, well, I guess not talking for three days isn't so bad.'
I know that makes me sound nasty, jealous, spoilt, cunty and just generally wrong in the head, but like I said it's how I feel and I hope that in writing this, people might just go, 'You know, that's OK, that's vaguely understandable.' Maybe they won't and maybe I AM all those things. I'd like to think not though...
Anyway I am really happy for my freinds and really do wish nothing but the best for them but I have found myself not asking as many questions about how it's going as hearing the answers makes me sad. It's really shit as I am 100% happy for them I just wish I was completely single or completely loved up too as I would be able to be excited for them and not just left comparing my own situation.
That sounded really self-obsessed...
Saturday, 20 September 2008
The First Date
I met this guy at Popstarz and we instantly hit it off. Well, I'm sure we would have done had we not been making out all night. We did speak for a while but for most of the night our tongues were in each other's mouths.
It was weird as well because I instantly felt fairly submissive to him. I have never felt like that. Even if I like someone I don't usually feel submissive. But weirdly it felt quite nice. He kind of took me around with him for the night and I met his friends. in fact I think I spoke to them more than him. I got on really well with his friends, they flirted with me and shouted things at me like, 'He's a top' or 'When was your last relationship' and other things that had it been the other way round I would have been mortified my friends telling my date.
Anyway we hung out a bit longer then he took my number and I figured I would take the initiative and leave him to enjoy his birthday.
He text me the next day with, 'Hey real cool meeting u hope u had fun? x!' Now the punctuation is an issue, I can't pretend it isn't but i liked his balls, saying he hoped I had fun.
We arranged to meet up the following Tuesday and we went for drinks in Trash Palace. But it was Polari and there were rude trannies pushing into us so we left and went to Friendly Society but saw some friends there so we moved to Profile. We got on well, he had quite a dramatic family life too and a madonna obsession that far outweighed any mariah thing I have going on. I still found him really hot and thought, 'You know this could go somewhere.' He admitted he was nervous about tonight, which i found very cute but then counteracted it by saying, 'my friends told you what??? Oh my God, how embarrassing! I know you don't mind but it could have messed things up with other guys in the past.' I'm a bit like, 'Well, er...you're with me now!' But i kept quiet. He also said that he took my number as he actually saw this going somewhere which was cute but then kept saying he was up for a relationship and I kind of thought, 'Well, are you up for a relationship with anyone or do you want a relationship with me?' I was left confused. He walked me to the bus stop and we kissed goodnight.
I had been walking for no more than thirty seconds when he text me, asking what i was listening to. I told him it was Solange and instantly he replied that he was listening to her as well.
We then carried on texting for a while and met up the following week to see The Strangers. We went for a few drinks afterwards and as i wasn't drinking i wasn't allowed to pay which I thought was cute. We arranged to meet Saturday and i would go round to his for dinner, drink and shit TV. i'm sure there was something else on the agenda too. ;)
But that has been cancelled last minute by him and so I think the next time we see each other will be my birthday party next Friday which i'm not sure is the best time as there will be loads of people there and I won't be on my best behaviour.
*sigh*
It was weird as well because I instantly felt fairly submissive to him. I have never felt like that. Even if I like someone I don't usually feel submissive. But weirdly it felt quite nice. He kind of took me around with him for the night and I met his friends. in fact I think I spoke to them more than him. I got on really well with his friends, they flirted with me and shouted things at me like, 'He's a top' or 'When was your last relationship' and other things that had it been the other way round I would have been mortified my friends telling my date.
Anyway we hung out a bit longer then he took my number and I figured I would take the initiative and leave him to enjoy his birthday.
He text me the next day with, 'Hey real cool meeting u hope u had fun? x!' Now the punctuation is an issue, I can't pretend it isn't but i liked his balls, saying he hoped I had fun.
We arranged to meet up the following Tuesday and we went for drinks in Trash Palace. But it was Polari and there were rude trannies pushing into us so we left and went to Friendly Society but saw some friends there so we moved to Profile. We got on well, he had quite a dramatic family life too and a madonna obsession that far outweighed any mariah thing I have going on. I still found him really hot and thought, 'You know this could go somewhere.' He admitted he was nervous about tonight, which i found very cute but then counteracted it by saying, 'my friends told you what??? Oh my God, how embarrassing! I know you don't mind but it could have messed things up with other guys in the past.' I'm a bit like, 'Well, er...you're with me now!' But i kept quiet. He also said that he took my number as he actually saw this going somewhere which was cute but then kept saying he was up for a relationship and I kind of thought, 'Well, are you up for a relationship with anyone or do you want a relationship with me?' I was left confused. He walked me to the bus stop and we kissed goodnight.
I had been walking for no more than thirty seconds when he text me, asking what i was listening to. I told him it was Solange and instantly he replied that he was listening to her as well.
We then carried on texting for a while and met up the following week to see The Strangers. We went for a few drinks afterwards and as i wasn't drinking i wasn't allowed to pay which I thought was cute. We arranged to meet Saturday and i would go round to his for dinner, drink and shit TV. i'm sure there was something else on the agenda too. ;)
But that has been cancelled last minute by him and so I think the next time we see each other will be my birthday party next Friday which i'm not sure is the best time as there will be loads of people there and I won't be on my best behaviour.
*sigh*
More Dreams
I have two big crushes in my life. One I know well and consider a good friend, the other I have met once and it was amazing. Neither will every come to anything.
Last night I dreamt about the first one. I've not seem him for ages and I actually miss him. Not in a romance kind of way just as a friend. I feel we've not had a proper chat for ages and i miss him. Anyway last night i dreamt that he had taken part in some Dr Who game where he got captured by some villain and taken down to a swamp where there were loads of midges and one big dead tree. He got stung, or injured somehow, all I remember is that he was very fast at getting changed. No, not in a pervy sense...sadly as that would at least fulfill part of my crush. But instead we talked and I asked him if it actually hurt when he got stung. He replied that it did and I was left confused as to why someone would volunteer to be injured.
That was it, I think...
Last night I dreamt about the first one. I've not seem him for ages and I actually miss him. Not in a romance kind of way just as a friend. I feel we've not had a proper chat for ages and i miss him. Anyway last night i dreamt that he had taken part in some Dr Who game where he got captured by some villain and taken down to a swamp where there were loads of midges and one big dead tree. He got stung, or injured somehow, all I remember is that he was very fast at getting changed. No, not in a pervy sense...sadly as that would at least fulfill part of my crush. But instead we talked and I asked him if it actually hurt when he got stung. He replied that it did and I was left confused as to why someone would volunteer to be injured.
That was it, I think...
More Dreams
I know this seems to have become a blog just for my dreams but I find them interesting!
Last night I dreamt I was gardening with Jodie Foster. We were by some kind of pool or on an island and oh wait...as I write this I can remember more. She was hosting a reality show about a couple who were going to have to live without herbs. But while they thought they were going to just have to make do without, they were actually going to have to grow their own.
Jodie and I were beginning to set it up for them and we had grown some heather. I asked, 'But Jodie, I don't understand. What good is heather?' She replied, 'Oh, it's good for sleeping and if you can't eat herbs then you're not going to be able to sleep.'
Then she started talking about her baby and her partner. But rather than talk about her like she was her wife, she made it sound like they just split their time with the baby. Half the time Jodie looked after the baby and half the time Melissa looked after her. I have no idea of Melissa is her real name. Wait while I check...oh, OK, it's Cydney. That would have been too weird anyway.
Last night I dreamt I was gardening with Jodie Foster. We were by some kind of pool or on an island and oh wait...as I write this I can remember more. She was hosting a reality show about a couple who were going to have to live without herbs. But while they thought they were going to just have to make do without, they were actually going to have to grow their own.
Jodie and I were beginning to set it up for them and we had grown some heather. I asked, 'But Jodie, I don't understand. What good is heather?' She replied, 'Oh, it's good for sleeping and if you can't eat herbs then you're not going to be able to sleep.'
Then she started talking about her baby and her partner. But rather than talk about her like she was her wife, she made it sound like they just split their time with the baby. Half the time Jodie looked after the baby and half the time Melissa looked after her. I have no idea of Melissa is her real name. Wait while I check...oh, OK, it's Cydney. That would have been too weird anyway.
Sunday, 7 September 2008
Dreams
Last night I dreamt I was watching an episode of Sex and the City which kind of morphed into lesbian porn...
I pictured Samantha (well, it had to be really, didn't it?) driving round a fairground. She realised she was living on her own and thought she should make the most of it. Cruising around she ended up getting stopped by the police. Only the police officer was Pamela Anderson who was driving with a drunken, unconscious straight couple in the back of her police car.
Next thing I know I am dreaming about them all in bed together and there was something about Samantha going down on Pamela. All I remember is there being a lot of flange on display. I think I was quite shocked.
I pictured Samantha (well, it had to be really, didn't it?) driving round a fairground. She realised she was living on her own and thought she should make the most of it. Cruising around she ended up getting stopped by the police. Only the police officer was Pamela Anderson who was driving with a drunken, unconscious straight couple in the back of her police car.
Next thing I know I am dreaming about them all in bed together and there was something about Samantha going down on Pamela. All I remember is there being a lot of flange on display. I think I was quite shocked.
Friday, 5 September 2008
Stroking
Last night on my way I was checking some guy out at the bus stop. We were down by Bond Street tube station and kept looking over at each other. We sat next to each other on the bus and talked.
We didn't want to go to each other's houses just yet and we couldn't snog on the nightbus so we did the next best thing - we stroked.
Now I know that sounds a big new age, but it was nice to touch someone else who you know wanted to sleep with you. We just couldn't do anything because it was in public.
It felt kind of secret and wrong to be holding hands. Sometimes that's even more intimate than sleeping with someone. (I don't think I could feature the word 'some' in there once more even if I tried.)
But I doubt we will ever see each other again. It was fun for what it was - thanks, Pedro.
We didn't want to go to each other's houses just yet and we couldn't snog on the nightbus so we did the next best thing - we stroked.
Now I know that sounds a big new age, but it was nice to touch someone else who you know wanted to sleep with you. We just couldn't do anything because it was in public.
It felt kind of secret and wrong to be holding hands. Sometimes that's even more intimate than sleeping with someone. (I don't think I could feature the word 'some' in there once more even if I tried.)
But I doubt we will ever see each other again. It was fun for what it was - thanks, Pedro.
The comedown
This wekk has been a crazy week. It started calmly enough with my Mum's birthday, then a night in with my new book...
I'm really enjoying it. Shamefully I have been thinking recently how I would like to read a John Grisham again but have come to the conclusion he has peaked. Anyhow...
Wednesday involved going to meet Anastacia, listening to her new album, drinking champagne, then hanging out with trannies. No, Anastacia was not one of them.
Thursday I went to a rock auction where they were selling a Hendrix guitar, a Marilyn Monroe corset and the original Beatles' contract. Then I got really drunk and went clubbing...on my own.
Today I feel rough but have to get myself together for a grime night tonight. Yes, grime. I picture something like the below...
Oh, well, I can't find a picture but someone told me to be careful I don't get stabbed. I feel this could be a slight exaggeration as it is at the Proud galleries in Camden but you know, it's definitely out of my comfort zone. So I am wearing my jeans extra-baggy.
But basically I am really tired. I am beyond tired. I can barely function. I am messing things up at work. I need it to be the weekend. Going to bed at 2 in the morning after drinking all night then getting up at 8 does not give you a hot look.
I am ragged. Oooh, I like that word - ragged.
I have just eaten a tuna salad, a bacon and egg sandwich, a lasagne and two refresher bars.
If I didn't feel sick before I sure as hell do now.
I'm really enjoying it. Shamefully I have been thinking recently how I would like to read a John Grisham again but have come to the conclusion he has peaked. Anyhow...
Wednesday involved going to meet Anastacia, listening to her new album, drinking champagne, then hanging out with trannies. No, Anastacia was not one of them.
Thursday I went to a rock auction where they were selling a Hendrix guitar, a Marilyn Monroe corset and the original Beatles' contract. Then I got really drunk and went clubbing...on my own.
Today I feel rough but have to get myself together for a grime night tonight. Yes, grime. I picture something like the below...
Oh, well, I can't find a picture but someone told me to be careful I don't get stabbed. I feel this could be a slight exaggeration as it is at the Proud galleries in Camden but you know, it's definitely out of my comfort zone. So I am wearing my jeans extra-baggy.
But basically I am really tired. I am beyond tired. I can barely function. I am messing things up at work. I need it to be the weekend. Going to bed at 2 in the morning after drinking all night then getting up at 8 does not give you a hot look.
I am ragged. Oooh, I like that word - ragged.
I have just eaten a tuna salad, a bacon and egg sandwich, a lasagne and two refresher bars.
If I didn't feel sick before I sure as hell do now.
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