Dreams

I had this dream a few days ago now and have been meaning to blog about it but never seem to quite get round to it. I dreamt I was hanging out with Dannii Minogue and we were chatting away. God knows what about, but I was having a blast.

Then I realised that her face was pumped full of botox. So much that she could hardly move her face. In fact it was like she was wearing the Phantom of the Opera mask. From the corners of her mouth upwards - expressionless. Creepy.

That was pretty much it but scary nonetheless.

The other dream I had recently was where I was sleeping with Jay-Z. We were literally in bed together but for some reason I was only sleeping with him to piss Beyonce off. Plus in my dream he was a lot better looking.

Is this a little sick?

After an evening of watching hopeful X Factor candidates pass/fail tonight, I can only compare our situations...granted it's in some twisted fashion but I saw the parallel.

Every year you get the sob stories, 'Oh, I'm doing this for my wife who died, she loved hearing me sing,' 'I'm doing this for my father who passed away last year and was always telling me to go for things like this' or the classic, 'I'm just doing this for me and my family so we can live a better life.' There are those stories which are not quite so moving - 'I'm a waitress in a swanky restaurant and I don't want to be serving celebrities any more, I just want to be one,' 'My little village in Ireland is so small no one realises it exists, I just want to put it on the map,' or the classic, 'My town Bridgend has hit the press recently as there were a bunch of teen suicides. Did I know any of them? No, but I want to bring some good news to my village.'

So where do I relate? Well to be honest I've just totally lost my focus for this blog. I was going to write about how much I wanted to be going out with Stephen. Then I figured that was kind of lame to be wanting a relationship with someone that much and that not only should no person ever have that much control over me but also I don't want to be my Mother and just settle in a relationship just for the sake of it, even if that means it isn't right for me.

I don't want to talk to anyone. I actually want to go back to work because it takes my mind off him. But even as I write this, I realise it all sounds so much of a cliche.

ENOUGH!

Third Time's The Charm.

That's the saying, right? Hmm...well, I just feel depressed.

I've been in touch with this guy for a month now but I think he has actually managed to cancel on me more times than we've actually met up. This morning he cancelled on me for the third time. He says he's going to make it up to me but I'm like, 'You know what? This already hurts, maybe I should cut my losses (and my ties) and just move on?' But that's tough.

It's the first time I've met someone in a really long time who might actually want to take things further than a one night stand and to say 'Goodbye' to that...well, I'm not sure I'm ready.

But at the same time I feel I need to be strong because otherwise it could get worse. If he's not respecting me now, well, there's not many places to go are there? I don't know...the reasons all sound fairly genuine but at the same time, the way he's talked about sex in the past make me think that he could just as easily be having sex with other guys and then just pushing me back.

But why turn up to my birthday?

Why make me a CD?

Why say 'I like you and was nervous before we met up.'

UPDATE: I have since spoken to friends who say he's probably been out partying Friday night, slept with someone else and was just putting me off as he was hungover.

Now I don't know what to think. I want to text him the following...'Hey, if you want to end it, that's cool, just tell me now so I know what's going on.' But I don't know if that is making too much of something that would only freak him out.

I know when Barry used to email me I felt like he was putting some kind of emotional pressure on me that only made me run further.

But I was really looking forward to today and now the day has been wasted. I didn't even make it to the gym.

At the moment, I really hate the weekends as I just end up moping around thinking how lonely I am. I want to talk through situations till I'm sick of them.

No, I want to talk through a situation til something positive comes out of it.

OK, my decision is not to text him now, and not to text him at all. Until he texts me, then not suggest meeting up til he does.

But I don't want to be too passive. This is so fucking stupid.

Just Because

My new crush

I still have some special love for Francois Sagat but this is my current crush...

Couldn't find any clips of him as Morris in 24 so here's something else.

On the playlist...

Friends & Lovers

Two weeks ago, I met someone in a club. We got on really well. The next day he tracked me down on Facebook and we became friends.

For the following two weeks we emailed each other pretty much every day. We met up at a gig on Monday and before long were making out. (Please can someone give me a better term?)

I suggested he come back to mine and he said, 'I know what gays are like. I quite like you, so I don't think it's a good idea.'

People have laughed but I suggested he come back and we do nothing. It was cold outside and I fancied having someone to hug in my bed. He came back, made the first move and we fooled around.

But everything seemed fine, we got on ok and the next morning we said goodbye with zero awkwardness.

I emailed him when I got into work and now nothing.

I am REALLY annoyed. It's like, 'Why tell me you don't want to sleep with me for fear that I won't talk to you when it's YOU who's ignoring my emails?!'

It makes me furious. I'm not even sure I want to sleep with him again but now it looks like we can't even be friends.