Why can't I be happy for people?

I believe this blog is for exorcising my thoughts whether positive or negative and the main reason for it, is to act as a diary. Of course there is an exhibitionist tendency to it but it's mainly for me.

Recently I have started seeing someone. I don't really know what the situation is between us. I know I get excited, or rather I used to get excited, when I thought about him. I still do get excited when I hear from him but I have also come to think that it is not meant to be. Mainly because I find it is me who does most of the texting, it is me who shows their affection more and then there's the fact that he often talks about having sex with other people. I don't think it's been going on since we've been seeing each other so part of me thinks it's OK but surely if you were even HALF-arsed about someone, you wouldn't start checking guys out, saying they're hot and then talking about how much sex you've had. Is that not a conversation for later on?

Right now, it ain't all roses. There have been things which are really cute. We met for my birthday on Wednesday and he made me a CD, even printing off the cover at work. There is the cute message he wrote inside. When I mentioned a drag act that I had seen, he suggested we went and he also turned up to my party on Friday (but then left without saying goodbye). After I spent the night at his, he said, 'Come meet the family' and showed me his photos.

I can't decide whether it is more fun having this see-saw kind of lifestyle or if it is easier just having nothing. What I find even harder is talking to people about it. I got excited about it at the beginning. It was going well, he seemed really into me (and still does, at times) so I told everyone. But now when people ask I have to answer, 'I haven't heard from him.'

It's almost like that feeling of when you come out, you have to do it over and over and over again. Except here I have to tell them over and over again that I've not heard from him. In the grand scheme of things this really is not a big deal but at the same time, it hurts and the re-telling only re-emphasises it.

This is painful enough, as I have never been in this situation, but then when two of your friends enter new relationships, where everything is 100% perfect, it makes it even harder. They talk about how everything is going so well and I am left thinking, 'Hmmm, well, I guess not talking for three days isn't so bad.'

I know that makes me sound nasty, jealous, spoilt, cunty and just generally wrong in the head, but like I said it's how I feel and I hope that in writing this, people might just go, 'You know, that's OK, that's vaguely understandable.' Maybe they won't and maybe I AM all those things. I'd like to think not though...

Anyway I am really happy for my freinds and really do wish nothing but the best for them but I have found myself not asking as many questions about how it's going as hearing the answers makes me sad. It's really shit as I am 100% happy for them I just wish I was completely single or completely loved up too as I would be able to be excited for them and not just left comparing my own situation.

That sounded really self-obsessed...